cinq-cent-vingt-trois.

27Jan12

The boymate took me out for dinner tonight :)  Also, this song ♥

It’s a lot better when he sings it.  In my opinion anyways.

Thank you, Dandan…

hana.

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cinq-cent-vingt-deux.

26Jan12

I found out last night that the boymate does actually read this blog on occasion.

And I would like to point out that contrary to his claims this morning, I have read through every post I’ve done since Christmas, and not once on this blog have I referred to him as a bastard.

In fact, in the last post I actually wrote I was very nice about him cos he listened to me cry and whinge the other night.

So there!  Silly bastard :P

hana.

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cinq-cent-vingt-et-un.

26Jan12

YOU are a ginormous prick.

Disappear please.

hana.

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cinq-cent-vingt.

25Jan12

 All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know
I know they’ve all been talking ’bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes think there must be something wrong with me

Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I’ve lost my mind

I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away

♥

hana.

 

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cinq-cent-dix-neuf.

25Jan12

Feeling clearer headed right now than I have done in a while.  I don’t really know what brought this on, but everything just suddenly seems very simple.

Like people.  I’ve been stressing about the fact that some people feel like they’re slipping away.  My natural instinct when this happens is to grab on tighter, because I hate change, and when people walk out of your life things change.  But now I’m realising that most of them aren’t worth the stress.  I mean, seriously, if you’re gonna stop talking to me over something petty and trivial, then you’re not worth my time.  It’s a shame, sure, to throw away a friendship over that, but I’m not going to stroke your ego by continuing to try and coax a response from you.  Your loss.  And if you’re gonna spend so much time partying and getting high with new friends that you can’t even spare the time for a 5 minute facebook chat, then don’t think it’s okay to call me next time you screw up and need help.  Talk to your new friends about it.  If they’re sober enough to care.  I’m done.  And if you think it’s okay to ditch me when we’ve made plans so you can spend time with your boyfriend, then I just won’t bother making plans with you anymore.  I’m not hanging around waiting for you to spare me a few moments of your precious time.  I’m better than that.

Some friendships are so easy.  Effortless.  You can not see each other for weeks or months and things will still seem exactly the same.  Those are the ones worth sticking at.  Those are the ones worth my time.  And the friend that, even though you’ve been arguing and bitching at each other for the last few weeks, will still take you in when you turn up on the doorstep in a state at 2am, and give you a cuddle and listen to you rant for a while, and then promise you that if they ever get rich they will buy you the ’57 Ford Mustang you want, and then you can run away somewhere hot and sunny and start over.  That’s a friend worth sticking by too, even when things do get hard.

And I’m gonna stop stressing over the dissertation too.  I’d got it into my head that I was doomed to failure.  If I’m honest I wish I’d chosen a different subject to do it on.  The problem with what I’m writing about is that…there is no real answer to any of it.  Part of it is just observation and analysis of leaflets, and the rest is essentially just speculative.  I can’t reach a definite conclusion to any of it, which means that really it’s not that original at all at least in the broader sense of analysing WW2 propaganda.  But after taking a step back from it and a deep breath I’ve figured that if it lacked any potential at all then my supervisors wouldn’t have let me do it in the first place.  And that surely all history really is is speculation for the most part.  If a conclusion could be reached about every little thing, then there’d only need to be a handful of history books, and there’d be no such thing as historical debate.  Right?

I’m feeling so much pressure to come out with a first, and it sucks.  Because honestly, I’ll be happy with a 2:1, even if people think I could’ve done better.  I know that I’m in a pretty bad headspace at the moment, and as much as that sounds like an excuse or a cop-out, it’s simple fact.  And I’ve tried, but I can’t just snap out of it.  There’s nothing horrific or traumatic going on, but there are lots of little things that are niggling away until they seem huge.  And I’m not one of those people, try as I might, who can throw myself into work and use it as a distraction.  I’m one of those people who can sit and stare a textbook for a good hour or so, and then realise I’ve read the same paragraph 5 times because my mind’s elsewhere.  It’s a flaw, but it’s not one that’s going to change overnight, no matter how much I try and focus.

And I’m also going to stop stressing about what comes next.  Once uni’s over I mean.  Whether I’ll be able to get a job, or whether I’ll end up stuck in some dead-end position and never get around to doing anything with my degree…  What will be will be.  Worrying about it isn’t going to make the perfect job come up, and it’s not going to ensure my spot on a MA programme in 2 or 3 years time.  I am constantly telling my mother to not worry about things until they happen.  What’s the point?  So maybe I need to start taking my own advice and just chill out.

All this sounds so sensible and like a turning point at 4am.  I’ll probably wake up tomorrow feeling crappy about things again.  But for now this is a start.

hana.

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cinq-cent-dix-huit.

24Jan12

Had a loverly girly afternoon with my Lellybee :)  Yummy TGI foodage and shopaholicness in New Look.

Put me in a good mood for a change!

But now I’m trying to sleep as I have a 9am and my housemates are being very noisy.  SHHHHHUUUUUUSSSSSSHHHHH.

*Sigh*

Brighton this weekend :D  CANNOT WAIT.

hana.

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cinq-cent-dix-sept.

21Jan12

Crappy night last night, and a pretty crappy day today.  My mood’s all over the place and everyone around me seems to be equally down.

And now I’m sitting in bed with Kimples and Puppy Dog (why yes, I am cool) and all I can think is…

I REALLY REALLY WANT SOME CHOCOLATE MILK.

hana.

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cinq-cent-seize.

19Jan12

Hmm…so what cheered me up last night?

“Noooo Kimples!  You can’t see your father in this drunken state!”

Yeahh, that definitely did :)  Loser.

hana.

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cinq-cent-quinze.

19Jan12

Guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

It’s alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent

Did some things you can’t speak of
And at night you live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then

Wasn’t it easier in your firefly catching days
When everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you?
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It’s alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent

Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new

It’s alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent

Lost your balance on a tightrope
It’s never too late to get it back

(Taylor Swift)

♥

hana.

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cinq-cent-quatorze.

19Jan12

Today hasn’t been a bad day.  Yeah, so volunteering was a bit tedious.  And then people pissed me off a bit.  But generally I’ve been in a pretty good mood.  Went out for a couple of drinks with some friends earlier this evening and it was lovely.

But now I’m sitting here feeling utterly miserable and really homesick.  Dunno why even.  Just one of those nights I guess, when you have some alcohol in your system and you’re on your own and all the little things start seeming huuuge.  And you just feel like you wanna be a little kid again.  Maybe it was the conversations tonight, or just feeling…  Like everyone has a better offer.  That won’t make any sense if I don’t explain it I know, and I don’t care to.  All I will explain is what I want right now, which is to be sitting in my living room at home in front of the fire, with a cup of tea, and my parents.

Yes, I sound about 5.

But I really don’t give a shit.

hana.

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