cinq-cent-dix-neuf.

25Jan12

Feeling clearer headed right now than I have done in a while.  I don’t really know what brought this on, but everything just suddenly seems very simple.

Like people.  I’ve been stressing about the fact that some people feel like they’re slipping away.  My natural instinct when this happens is to grab on tighter, because I hate change, and when people walk out of your life things change.  But now I’m realising that most of them aren’t worth the stress.  I mean, seriously, if you’re gonna stop talking to me over something petty and trivial, then you’re not worth my time.  It’s a shame, sure, to throw away a friendship over that, but I’m not going to stroke your ego by continuing to try and coax a response from you.  Your loss.  And if you’re gonna spend so much time partying and getting high with new friends that you can’t even spare the time for a 5 minute facebook chat, then don’t think it’s okay to call me next time you screw up and need help.  Talk to your new friends about it.  If they’re sober enough to care.  I’m done.  And if you think it’s okay to ditch me when we’ve made plans so you can spend time with your boyfriend, then I just won’t bother making plans with you anymore.  I’m not hanging around waiting for you to spare me a few moments of your precious time.  I’m better than that.

Some friendships are so easy.  Effortless.  You can not see each other for weeks or months and things will still seem exactly the same.  Those are the ones worth sticking at.  Those are the ones worth my time.  And the friend that, even though you’ve been arguing and bitching at each other for the last few weeks, will still take you in when you turn up on the doorstep in a state at 2am, and give you a cuddle and listen to you rant for a while, and then promise you that if they ever get rich they will buy you the ’57 Ford Mustang you want, and then you can run away somewhere hot and sunny and start over.  That’s a friend worth sticking by too, even when things do get hard.

And I’m gonna stop stressing over the dissertation too.  I’d got it into my head that I was doomed to failure.  If I’m honest I wish I’d chosen a different subject to do it on.  The problem with what I’m writing about is that…there is no real answer to any of it.  Part of it is just observation and analysis of leaflets, and the rest is essentially just speculative.  I can’t reach a definite conclusion to any of it, which means that really it’s not that original at all at least in the broader sense of analysing WW2 propaganda.  But after taking a step back from it and a deep breath I’ve figured that if it lacked any potential at all then my supervisors wouldn’t have let me do it in the first place.  And that surely all history really is is speculation for the most part.  If a conclusion could be reached about every little thing, then there’d only need to be a handful of history books, and there’d be no such thing as historical debate.  Right?

I’m feeling so much pressure to come out with a first, and it sucks.  Because honestly, I’ll be happy with a 2:1, even if people think I could’ve done better.  I know that I’m in a pretty bad headspace at the moment, and as much as that sounds like an excuse or a cop-out, it’s simple fact.  And I’ve tried, but I can’t just snap out of it.  There’s nothing horrific or traumatic going on, but there are lots of little things that are niggling away until they seem huge.  And I’m not one of those people, try as I might, who can throw myself into work and use it as a distraction.  I’m one of those people who can sit and stare a textbook for a good hour or so, and then realise I’ve read the same paragraph 5 times because my mind’s elsewhere.  It’s a flaw, but it’s not one that’s going to change overnight, no matter how much I try and focus.

And I’m also going to stop stressing about what comes next.  Once uni’s over I mean.  Whether I’ll be able to get a job, or whether I’ll end up stuck in some dead-end position and never get around to doing anything with my degree…  What will be will be.  Worrying about it isn’t going to make the perfect job come up, and it’s not going to ensure my spot on a MA programme in 2 or 3 years time.  I am constantly telling my mother to not worry about things until they happen.  What’s the point?  So maybe I need to start taking my own advice and just chill out.

All this sounds so sensible and like a turning point at 4am.  I’ll probably wake up tomorrow feeling crappy about things again.  But for now this is a start.

hana.

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